Create your bedroom to be a haven for sex and sleep. We have all these united associations in life. If I were to describe your favorite food right now – let’s say it’s a warm brownie – and talk to you about the smell of a warm brownie, a warm brownie coming out of the oven, what it would feel like when you put the first bite in your mouth … you start drooling. Your body has a reaction to the thought of it. We have thousands of these affiliated associations that we carry with us throughout the day.
If your bedroom is a place of conflict, crowds, feelings of disconnection, feelings of vulnerability, sadness – if it’s a fun place where you do everything: argue with your partner, work, sleep, sort your laundry – then you have no association that bedroom is a refuge. A sanctuary for sexual intercourse with oneself or with a partner or for peaceful sleep.
To be practical, what I would suggest is to avoid conflicts in the bedroom. If you want to talk to your partner and you feel it’s a charged conversation, take him out of the bedroom. Both partners must be fully committed to this. Whether it’s a conflict over sex, sexual disconnection, children or money – the most important thing couples argue about – you have these conversations at the kitchen table or anywhere except in the bedroom.
To create your own haven for sex and sleep, consider creating a room that will appeal to your five senses. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but try to create something that is beautiful to you and your partner. It can be the use of certain colors you like, certain fabric textures, maybe plants or soft lighting, or anything that is nice to your eye. I think candlelight is a magical way to change your mood. Make sound available to you, like a playlist for sleeping or for sex. Have scented candles or incense or something that revives your sense of smell. You can activate your sense of touch with the texture, whether it’s nice sheets or blankets or pillows. I also recommend that you have massage oil on hand. Lube is a great way to experiment with different types of touches in your bedroom and with your partner that can be useful for both sleep and sex.
Stability and consistency that makes scheduling easy can be beneficial for both of these super important areas of operation. Couples often ask me, “How often should we have sex?” Although this answer is different for every couple, every person and every phase of life, I generally recommend an erotic connection every seventy-two hours. It could just be kissing. Maybe we take a shower together. It could be sex swaying from a rafter. Whatever it looks like. Stability is also incredibly important for sleep: waking up at the same time every day and ideally maintaining a stable sleep schedule goes a long way.